We’ve all been there. It’s two-thirty in the morning, and you’ve had a successful party that, for the most part, ended an hour ago. Except for the few guests lingering on, refusing to take your yawn-and-stretch hints. This is where a particular type of music can – when properly deployed – play a vital role in your life.
One day, way back when, I had a hilarious conversation with my (then) roommates Josh and Ben about the best albums and songs for clearing out those lingering partygoers. Ben vigorously supported Neil Young’s ‘Down By The River’ as the ultimate party-ender. Here are ten albums that I believe are even more effective than Neil’s 17-minute, off-key murder fantasy at driving off stubborn guests who won’t take GO for an answer…
Lou Reed * Metal Machine Music – The granddaddy of all party poopers. This double album (!) of howling feedback, electronic wailing, and unlistenable noise will not only finish off the last vestiges of your party, it’ll scare your pets away for a week. Lester Bangs famously described this album as “the all-time guaranteed lease breaker” and encouraged every tenant in America to buy a copy.
Various Artists * Songs In The Key Of Z - A nails-on-the-chalkboard compiliation of ‘outsider’ music that is guaranteed to drive party guests well outside your front door.
Captain Beefheart * Trout Mask Replica – The good Cap’n is plotting a steady course towards the bitter end of your shindig. Aye aye and avast ye mateys!
Alvin & The Chipmunks * Christmas With The Chipmunks – Christmas music played at the wrong speed. Case closed. If you don’t have any Chipmunks records, just put on any old Christmas album and crank the RPMs up to 78. Your rapidly departing guests won’t know the difference…
Ornette Coleman * Free Jazz – The micro-miniature addendum to the title of this album should read “FREE yourself of all those unwanted houseguests with this album of completely unlistenable JAZZ”.
Nine Inch Nails * Fixed – If NIN’s Broken isn’t violent, troubling, or aggro enough for you, then check out this re-mix that doubles as the soundtrack for a bad day at the slaughterhouse. To give it some perspective, I know a few longtime NIN fans who are even put off by this one.
Insane Clown Posse * The Great Milenko – Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope – Christian rockers disguised as necrophilic clowns – eagerly want to end your party, and they’ve got the songs to do just that. [Please note: if you happen to roll with nothing but Juggalos, then any James Taylor or Sammy Davis Jr. album should do the trick...]
Wesley Willis * Feel The Power - Produced by the Dust Brothers, nearly every song on this album contains the same beat structure, with Willis – a blind schizophenic – ranting about riding the bus, famous people, and advertising jingles. I personally love it, but your party guests won’t. Like the guy selling cheap suits says, I guarantee it.
Pat Boone * In A Metal Mood: No More Mr. Nice Guy – One of the few albums in existence that will greatly anger both fans of lite pop and fans of metal. And pretty much everyone in between.
Throbbing Gristle * Second Annual Report - Music made with drills is bound to set off a stampede for your front door. Save your ears the trouble and just loudly announce that you’re about to put on a Throbbing Gristle album. People – even those who haven’t heard the band before – will take the hint and hit the road. If they don’t, you have the means to make them pay dearly through both earholes for overstaying their welcome.
Tags: Alvin & The Chipmunks, Captain Beefheart, Insane Clown Posse, Lou Reed, NIN, Ornette Coleman, Pat Boone, Throbbing Gristle, Wesley Willis
20 July 2007 at 5:03 pm |
Cue ‘em up – I’m coming over!
20 July 2007 at 7:38 pm |
My Throbbing Gristle is cued up…
20 July 2007 at 9:34 pm |
In college, we didn’t have an album for this purpose. We had a song:
Metallica’s Damage Inc. off Master of Puppets. Works every time.
21 July 2007 at 9:52 am |
i’ll put my ferrente & teicher, george winston, andy griffith gospel, air supply’s “i’m all out of love” (swedish version), watergate hearings 4-LP set, pandit nayan ghosh’s “two tablas and a microphone”, mormon tabernacle choir sings for you, bob seger box set, linda mccartney’s now-infamous “yoko schmoko,” and mannheim steamroller b-sides compilation against your 10 any day, sucka!!
21 July 2007 at 4:31 pm |
Brutal. Absolutely brutal. The Watergate Hearings might top everything for sheer monotonous torture.
I’m a little surprised that nobody’s brought up Yngwie Malmsteen yet. I mean, if he was ever going to pop up in a music conversation, this would be the time, right??
23 July 2007 at 8:33 am |
One that worked on me was elegant in its simplicity: the soundtrack to Rent. A guy played it during a workout and I wanted to frggnn punch someone.
23 July 2007 at 6:10 pm |
I’m surprised nobody mentioned Neil Young’s Arc (the unfortunate companion disc to the otherwise wonderful double-live Weld.)
23 July 2007 at 7:24 pm |
Yeah, no kidding. That, Trans and his Rockabilly album are three that can really clear a room…
29 July 2007 at 2:05 am |
Helpful tip: play Wesley Willis’ cover of “Girls On Film” and you can clear a house with just one song rather than using a whole album.
@cordell: “mannheim steamroller b-sides compilation?” As someone foolish enough back in high school to wear a homemade “Fresh Aire III” sweat jacket in public…more than once, I might add…I’m intrigued.
3 August 2007 at 6:32 pm |
I have a album by the Singing Nun that deserves mention.
If only I’d thought of it earlier…
3 August 2007 at 6:34 pm |
And by the way, I just changed the name of my autobiography to “Two Tablas And A Microphone”…
12 October 2007 at 10:16 am |
[...] and my ears already hurt. Sometimes I wonder why I do this to myself – perhaps to spawn an “Albums That Will Finish Your Party II” post? We’ll [...]
10 February 2009 at 1:01 pm |
[...] – edging out some notable contenders, including The Milli Vanilli Remix Album, Lou Reed’s Metal Machine Music, and Bob Dylan’s Self-Portrait – and it’s hard to think of anything that has surpassed [...]